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A Tale of Two Larrys?

Saturday, Sept. 01, 2007 2:19 AM

Bear with me while I suggest a rather off-the-wall theory about Senator Larry Craig. This theory is not based on any expert knowledge or in-depth research.

Senator Craig suffers from multiple personality disorder.

Note that, from the transcript of the original arrest to his news conference earlier this week, Craig's denials take the exact same form:

"I am not gay."
"I don't do those things."

There's nothing special about the first sentence. 'Are you gay?' someone asks. 'No, I'm not.' (Though Craig's seeming understanding of 'gay' as a state you can exist as, then give up or reform, reveals the usual misconstrual of sexual identity as a choice.)

But the second answer is just ... odd.

"I don't do those things," could simply be an active denial, as in, "I don't smoke," or, "I don't do drugs," but we're talking about an arrest that happened two months ago.

If the question was, 'Did you go to Boston in the springtime?' most people would reply, 'No, I didn't.' Not, 'No, I don't go to Boston in the springtime.' It is, at least, an answer indicative of dishonesty - if you're accused of, say, taking money from the company till, your answer would be a simple, "No," or, perhaps, an outraged, "What the hell are you talking about?" - not, 'I don't take money from the company till.'

But we also have a very specific denial to protect the identity of Senator Larry Craig. He doesn't do 'those things.' But what if there's another side to the disgraced Senator that does?

The answer would be, "I don't do those things."

But there's an alter, a part of Larry Craig that does.

The part that literally does not remember waving his hand under the stall's edge, but rationalizes it as 'picking up a piece of toilet paper' (ewwwww, who really does that?) and using a 'wide stance'.

And the half that is the dignified senator knows of the less-savory identity, tries to denounce and punish it through his votes on legislation. The good senator is an alter created in a moment of turmoil, possibly from a young age, when a boy was caught doing something he shouldn't. Spanked, perhaps punished severely, could a young man's sexual identity be split in two, forming one man who is not gay, loves his wife, and does not do 'those things' ... and one who is gay and does?

Like I said, it's just a theory, and a far out one. It's not based on any facts other than the exact phraseology used by Senator Craig.

The simple fact of the matter is that Senator Craig is likely just a deluded hypocrite, desperately trying to scrape together the remnants of his dignity, and no special explanation, such as multiple personality disorder, is necessary.

White House spokesman Tony Snow is stepping down on September 14th, ostensibly because he can't support himself on his $168,000 salary.

Yes, he has cancer, and it looks like the chemo is taking a chunk out of his hide and then some.

But doesn't it say something when a man who had a lucrative media career, then goes on to a prominent job working for the White House ... has his savings decimated by this?

And what does this mean for the millions of Americans for whom a $168,000 salary is right up there with winning the lottery, a distant dream?

Oh, wait, now someone will accuse me of politicizing Snow's cancer or something. Pfeh.

FOX Propaganda News' Neil Cavuto spent part of his program criticizing CBS News anchor Katie Couric.

Now, I'm not a big Katie Couric fan, and her upcoming trip to Iraq is certainly a high-profile ratings booster, but Cavuto deigned to question not Couric's journalistic credentials, but her parental ones, by asking if the single mother should even be allowed to go to the combat zone.

Cavuto, you're a hypocritical sack of shit. We have men and women separated from their families, some of them possibly single parents and others consigned to that fate by casualties ... and you're worried about Katie Couric's kids? Sure. Right.


Oh, and the next time you're in the 'marketplace in Indiana' taking a stroll with your hundred-strong escort and air support, I hope the locals don't see fit to fire a salvo of RPGs at you.

Because that's what happened to an outbound C-130 carrying several members of Congress - someone fired three rocket-propelled grenades at their plane as it departed the 'secure' Green Zone.

The plane was not hit, and no one was injured.

Yet the three Republicans aboard nonetheless voiced the opinion that the recent troop buildup had helped stabilize parts of the country.

(And can't you just see Dick Cheney in his bunker, rubbing his hands and cackling, 'Oh, what an opportunity that would have been! We could sell three wars if they'd been shot down!')

We are not being honest about Iraq. As long as that continues, we cannot possibly win. Not security, not breathing room, not against terrorism.

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