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Bring Me The Head of Alberto Gonzales?

Thursday, Apr. 19, 2007 11:49 PM

Regarding the Virginia Tech shootings, let's see what we have �

First up on the idiot parade is conservative columnist Debbie Schlussel, for predicting that the suspect would be an Islamic extremist, or, in her words, a "Paki" (Pakistani? Pachyderm?).

Next on the list is local station KTVU, whose coverage the day after the shooting continued to refer to Cho Seung-Hui as, 'Chinese,' when, in fact, he is South Korean.

NBC gets a spot for their tasteless, sensationalized presentation of materials sent to them by Seung-Hui ��photos and writings that can only inspire other desperate folk to send their manifestos to local media before skipping off to pop a few caps.

Then we have the armchair experts, from the folks who wondered, why, exactly, campus security didn't have the whole campus under lock and key; to those who suggested the students were wimps for not fighting back.

And finally, we have a special place of honor for President Bush and Senator John McCain, for their staunch support of the Second Amendment. What makes this so disgusting is that, post 9/11, with 3,037 Americans dead in a terrorist attack, the Bush Administration launches wholesale violations of our Fourth Amendment protections, and continues to insist they need additional, enhanced powers of domestic surveillance. But when a student goes nuts and shoots 33 people, it's time to wave the 'Right to Bear Arms' banner.

I'm not advocating ineffective gun control laws or more background checks. What I'm upset about is that both protections, as established in the Bill of Rights, should be of equal importance, both regarded seriously and both protected as devoutly by elected officials.

So the Bush Administration is saying that if Congressional investigators are able to recover the 'lost' e-mails, that they want the right to review them before releasing them?

Ahem. First of all, those e-mails have already been subpoenaed.

Second, the missing e-mails are potential evidence of criminal conspiracy, namely, circumventing federal laws on presidential record-keeping.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, these are the people who told you they would be more honest and responsible than Bill Clinton. They talk of responsibility, but consistently come up short when it's time to step forward.

Apparently, the eight U.S. attorneys fired themselves.

Because Attorney General Alberto Gonzales just can't remember who mentioned the names, or even if he made the decision. (And if he didn't make the decision, who did?)

Gonzales is still clinging to the story that the dismissals were performance-based, as well. Or that performance was part of the decision. (So, like, what's the other part?)

A former college professor used to keep a small metal shovel in his desk drawer. He'd taken it from a child's sand pail set and sprayed it gold. Whenever a student began bullshitting his way through an answer, he'd take the shovel out and hand it to the student, saying, "You're going to need this."

Gonzales, I think, will need something a little bigger.

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