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Minister's Day OffMonday, Jun. 19, 2006 2:22 AM�I can believe things that are true and I can believe things that aren�t true and I can believe things where nobody knows if they�re true or not. I can believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and Marilyn Monroe and the Beatles and Elvis and Mister Ed. Listen � I believe that people are perfectible, that knowledge is infinite, that the world is run by secret banking cartels and is visited by aliens on a regular basis, nice ones that look like wrinkledy lemurs and bad ones who mutilate cattle and want our water and our women. I believe that the future sucks and I believe that the future rocks and I believe that one day White Buffalo Woman is going to come back and kick everyone�s ass. I believe that all men are just overgrown boys with deep problems communicating and that the decline in good sex in America is coincident with the decline in drive-in movie theaters from state to state. I believe that all politicians are unprincipled crooks and I still believe that they are better than the alternative. I believe that California is going to sink into the sea when the big one comes, while Florida is going to dissolve into madness and alligators and toxic waste. I believe that antibacterial soap is destroying our resistance to dirt and disease so that one day we�ll all be wiped out by the common cold like the Martians in War of the Worlds. I believe that the greatest poets of the last century were Edith Sitwell and Don Marquis, that jade is dried dragon sperm, and that thousands of years ago in a former life I was a one-armed Siberian shaman. I believe that mankind�s destiny lies in the stars. I believe that candy really did taste better when I was a kid, that it�s aerodynamically impossible for a bumblebee to fly, that light is a wave and a particle, that there�s a cat in a box somewhere who�s alive and dead at the same time (although if they don�t ever open the box to feed it it�ll eventually just be two different kinds of dead), and that there are stars in the universe billions of years older than the universe itself. I believe in a personal god who cares about me and worries and oversees everything I do. I believe in an impersonal god who set the universe in motion and went off to hang with her girlfriends and doesn�t even know that I�m alive. I believe in an empty and godless universe of casual chaos, background noise, and sheer blind luck. I believe that anyone who says that sex is overrated just hasn�t done it properly. I believe that anyone who claims to know what�s going on will lie about the little things too. I believe in absolute honest and sensible social lies. I believe in a woman�s right to choose, a baby�s right to live, that while all human life is sacred there�s nothing wrong with the death penalty if you can trust the legal system implicitly, and that no one but a moron would ever trust the legal system. I believe that life is a game, that life is a cruel joke, and that life is what happens when you�re alive and that you might as well lie back and enjoy it.� � Samantha Black Crow, �American Gods,� by Neil Gaiman The Minister is on vacation through June 25.
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