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Returns & Exchanges

Tuesday, Dec. 27, 2005 12:01 AM

In keeping with holiday tradition, here's a few things I'd like to return or exchange.

I'd like to return all the spam that floods my mailbox on a daily basis. I'm not interested in your replica watches, OEM software, erectile dysfunction drugs, pornography of any flavor, penny stocks, free iPods/PSPs/XBox360s, or Christian Dating Services and Home Loans.

I'm not falling for the 'update your account' phishing scams, whether it's eBay, PayPal, Citibank, or First Elbonia National Credit Union. (Special no-prizes go to the folks who spawned the e-mail warning me of an unauthorized use of my account that took place three days in the future, and to the kids who used the phrase, 're-update'.)

And to the self-appointed guardian of Asian-American rights, "S.B. Woo" - get lost. Nothing ticks me off more than someone assuming brotherhood and racial unity because of a bot-snatch of my last name/e-mail address. I don't even have an accent.

I'd like to return all the calls from telecharities (since the new trend in telemarketing is to be a non-profit/political call or marketing you have 'elected' to receive by checking/not checking some tiny box in 5 pt. type on a form somewhere) that come at god-awful early hours of the morning, even on weekends. For that matter, since I sometimes follow a night-shift sleep pattern, many of those wake me out of a sound sleep.

And to the bastards at the fraudulent collection agency who hide behind names like 'Ken Hughes' and 'Barbara Watkins,' insisting they have urgent messages for you, we're not buying THAT scam, either.

I'd like to exchange the shout-downs favored on both conservative and liberal talk radio for civil, rational discourse.

Worse yet, this kind of behavior has even darkened spiritual/religious discussions. I mean, come on, lawsuits over Christmas? Y'all ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

But, putting everything in perspective, I got to see my nieces and nephews smile as they opened their presents. Life is good.

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