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Takes A Licking And Keeps On … Hey, Where's My Watch?

Wednesday, Jun. 13, 2007 2:51 AM


In video of President Bush's trip to Albania – where they love him so much that they put his face on their stamps – Bush is seen wearing a watch. Moments later, his wrist is bare.

But no, no, no, it couldn't possibly be that someone filched the watch right off Dubya's wrist, could it? Of course not! That's why denials cover everything from, 'no, it wasn't stolen' to 'no, he dropped it and the secret service picked it up,' and 'he handed it to the secret service.'

It's also supposedly, 'just a $50 Timex.'

Bush also didn't button his shirt the wrong way in New Orleans, and never put his bullet-proof vest on backwards.


And I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry at the Gallup Poll showing that nearly 2/3rds of the country doesn't believe in evolution. (And that of that sample, the majority is Republican.)

If evolution doesn't exist, would someone please explain antibiotic-resistant strains of bacteria? Did the little bugs read themselves some Nietzche and get all übergerm on us?

If God created us to be perfect, why is there disease? Is that all because of the first fruit snack in history? And why do we presume God is such a putz that He created man with the major flaw of 'outside this magic environment, man will grow old and suffer from plagues and pestilence'?

The Catholic creed acknowledges one baptism for the forgiveness of sins, so if our sins have been forgiven, why are we still paying the price in terms of illness as a routine and widespread part of the human experience?

Unless, of course, the true gift is that God created man with the ability to ward off disease. That these little things in our bloodstream called white corpuscles and antibodies and lymph nodes are part of a miraculous design called the immune system.

Nah.


It's been tossed around before, but apparently the government actually spent $75 million on researching Dr. Evil's Gay Bomb.

Or rather, the possibility of developing a chemical weapon that could be deployed against an enemy and cause them all to become attracted to each other. We'd take the battlefield in a walk as the bad guys were busy having a Brokeback Mountain moment or something.

Except sexual orientation doesn't work that way, and the theory still presumes that the procreative drive could be stuck in the 'on' position to the exclusion of all else. (Hmm. I wonder if Dr. Pray-The-Gay-Away was a consultant on the project.)

Of course, with all of these closet Christians at the Department of Defense holding their basement prayer meetings and seeing evil blots on the map, wouldn't developing and deploying a weapon which forces people to commit acts that they, personally, find immoral and repugnant be a sin?



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